Kelly

Kelly was the only set-up date I've ever had, and I don't regret it at all, even if it didn't work out. She had reddy-brown hair and loads of freckles. She was giggly and a little shy, tall, and about a year younger than me. Tall and shy are two things that don't often appeal to me in the opposite sex, but we had a lot in common and she had a brain and good taste in music.

I was introduced to her at the Calgary Stampede, by a friend who insisted that she was "perfect for me!!" That day couldn't have been very spectacular as I don't remember a thing about it. Nonetheless, we exchanged numbers and started spending time together and learning more about each other.

She lived at home with her parents, and was doing a degree in psychology. She worked for a children's summer camp when she wasn't at University, and had the personality to pull it off: goofy, always up for a laugh, and able to find fun in anything. It was endearing.
We did a few cultural things, we went out for Vietnamese food, and went to movies. I met a bunch of her friends, and one day I even went to her kids camp to meet the other counsellors and the kids. It felt a bit like the teacher introducing her husband to the school-kids. Kelly spent the day explaining their inside jokes and making me promise that I was having fun and didn't think their kiddy games were stupid. They weren't, they were cute and quirky.

I remember meeting Kelly's family, although we hadn't dated that long, maybe a month. It was inevitable as she lived with them and in fact, I think one of our first dates was the time we watched Beetlejuice on DVD in their basement on an old, flowered couch - one of those classic date ideas designed purely to create an opportunity for a bit of heavy petting. One night Kelly's mum cleared out and we made scones together. Everything with Kelly was fun.

The first time Kelly and I slept together, was also memorable, because Kelly was a good girl and didn't take these things lightly. We were in my bed, naked, and were having a hell of a time. In the moment, she stopped, and asked me very seriously if I wanted to take it further.

"Well...I think that's up to you." Thinking just like a dude, that it meant nothing to me, and it was only her putting on the brakes.
"No, it's both of our decision." Which basically meant "If we do this you can't just break up with me, this is important to me."
"You're right, of course it is."

We did, and it was unexceptional.

Shortly after we started dating Kelly moved out of the family house and moved a little closer to the University. She took over a friend's lease and shared the place with the two guys already living there. After we got her settled in we made dinner and watched a film.

After the film felt like a great time for another shag. We went straight into it, and things were going alright, but after a couple of position changes I realized that things were funning down* a bit here, and in the end we just stopped. Nobody came, we didn't tire out, we just kind of...stopped. She asked if I was tired 'cause we'd used so many positions, and I think that's how I fobbed it off in the end, but it wasn't true.

That's when I knew we were done.

I spoke to my two chief advisors - my housemates - one day when I started to think that things weren't going anywhere with Kelly. They were both pretty surprised, because they both openly had crushes on her. Len, in particular, adored Kelly, but he had a fetish for freckles. The only response I got from them, though, was surprise, as dudes don't really give each other advice on relationships. Their opinion on the matter was "Hunh".

It came at an awkward time because my birthday had only just passed, and it was her birthday exactly a month later. She was good to me, too - she bought me the Bob Dylan box set (5 disc!), as our mutual love of Bob Dylan was something we'd bonded on quickly. She also got me a book of poetry because I had told her earlier that I was trying to find some more authors I liked. Naturally I wanted to do something nice for her birthday too. Instead I now had to break up with her.

It was hard. There was nothing wrong with the relationship, but there wasn't a lot right, either. Those are always the worst, but I didn't want to lead her on and smile when I didn't mean it.

We had gone for dinner, and I knew I had to do it at some point. We were sat in the car, parked up against the curb outside my house, and I knew I had to say it.
"Kelly, I don't think we should see each other any more. It's not that there's anything wrong here, but I just don't feel the way I should and I don't think we're going to go anywhere. The last thing I want to do is lead you on."

What I got in response was a brief, awkward, and short acknowledgement. It didn't seem to be something she wanted to particularly discuss, but it did end with "....so that's it?", which kind of rang like "Is that your final answer?", and it was.

What more can you say? Besides, giving this small speech took everything out of me, and I don't know if I had the breath to say anything more. Try looking into the face of someone you've become close to, kissed, and been naked against. Hers was a smiling face full of freckles, framed with curls. Hurting her was difficult, but staying with her would be selfish and destructive for both of us.

About a year later I saw Kelly for the first time since that night. It was really good actually, as we were both fairly deft at disarming an awkward situation. My housemates were excited to see her too, which relaxed things a bit. We were at our regular bar in the city centre, and she had come in with work mates. It dropped in the conversation that she was dating someone else, and had been with him for a while now, and living in Montreal. It was going good, and I was glad for her. Nonetheless, she looked good and it made me wonder if I had been too quick to make up my mind and move on. In consolation, though, I would have moved to the UK the following year anyways, and she hardly would have left all her family behind for good to come with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm awesome, but that's pretty heavy, so at least I don't have to wonder.

*Funning down (verb): a term used to describe a reduced joviality in the general atmosphere of an event. Often occurs late at night after far too many drinks before people start passing out. A decline in general levels of enjoyment.